You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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