I'm so fucking centered right now
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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