I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
