Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
