Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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