I hate your face
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
