When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
