Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
