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So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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