You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
