I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
