So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
