1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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