god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize