apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
