I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
