My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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