90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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