There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
