I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
