I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
