do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
