You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
