I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
