Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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