i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
