Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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