why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
