I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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