coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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