i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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