note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
