Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
