I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
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Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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