you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
