God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
