I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
