Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
