it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
