This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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