I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
