If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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