She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
