So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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