Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
