Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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