Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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