dude i'm inner monologue high
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
