it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
