life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
