Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
