I puked a lego.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
