I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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