sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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