All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
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Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize