my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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