I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
